Friday, January 2, 2009

Looking for.........LIFE THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

What did I possibly do with my time before the "Infertility Saga" began????? As I look back now I wonder.......what filled my thoughts and kept me so busy? What was it that consumed my time and energy? What did I do all day? Lets take a trip down memory lane.......

As you all know it starts with planning your schedule around those precious few days of your cycle when you and your partner MUST be in the same city at the same time, not working and not exhausted! As a flight attendant who flys multi day trips with a husband who also travels, not an easy task!!! But, you make it work. Soooooo 6 months later and off to the GYN to demand what is wrong. Times a ticking and we must figure this out today! You punishment for being so naive.....3 months of Clomid. Ha! Now its the medication that makes you CRAZY, plus the ongoing schedule conflict. FUN!!! When my dear GYN suggested an additional 3 months of Clomid, I asked him if he knew any good divorce attorneys because I was sure to need one if we continued down that path. Scrap the Crazy pills and lets drain your blood supply for every last test imaginable. Congratulations!!!!! all blood work is normal!!!!! The winning prize......a Diagnostic LAPAROSCOPY in 2 months! WhooHoo. After the Lap was preformed and everything looked "AWESOME", on to the waiting list for a consult with the best RE in my area. Oh, I almost forgot to mention my poor husband and his countless appointments with the Urologist and endless "analysis's" that he had to go through. BINGO!!!! Low morphology and motility seems to be the issue. After 3 months of Clomid for him with no improvement, the dreaded words are spoken. Reproductive endocrinologist. OK. We can do this. Off to the Fertility Doctor. (We were not surprised, as we had figured this was the next step)

Few months later and we are siting in my RE's office (after waiting for 2 hours!) going over our history. At that point it is determined that IVF with ICSI will be the plan. With MF and my age (35) this is the ticket to BABY. Fast forward to present and we have 2 failed IVF cycles (one that was cancelled and converted into double IUI) and a RE that is just as confused as we are with the outcome. POOR RESPONDER is what he thinks. Great! More dreaded words......Donor Eggs. Merry Christmas to me.


I have let infertility CONSUME my life. From the first month, I have been obsessed with getting pregnant. Plotting and Planning, Dr's Appointments and Prenatal Vitamins, Ultrasounds and Blood Work, Internet Research and Reading Blogs, Reading Books and RE Research, WORRYING and Wondering(why me?), Evil Pee Sticks and OPK's, Praying and Crying, Watching the Money FLY out of the Bank Account and Financial Planning, Dissapointment and Jealousy, Hopefulness then Heartbreak, Sleepless Nights and Wasted Days.........the list goes on and on. The absolute WORST part was watching my loving husband. The man that would go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, give me anything my heart desires with a smile on his face and a heart full of joy.........Crushed, Helpless, Annoyed, Frustrated.

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train" Unknown

So now I have to wonder, do I jump on the train headed to CCRM or SIRM or do quietly let it pass me by and claim my life back????????


  1. I love your quote. It really seems to encapsulate the way my journey with IF has progressed.

    I wanted to stop by and say welcome to the IF blogging community. Hopefully, the two of us will soon be on the other side.

  2. OMG you just wrote my next post - except for the planning sex part - we had to go right to IVF. I love the quote about the oncoming train....

    I really, really hope that 2009 is the year from us. Welcome to blogging - it has made it so much more bearable for me.

  3. HI - I'm new to your blog. I posted something similar several weeks back and can really relate. Interestingly, my husband is a pilot so for our past 4 year of ttc, the scheduling has also been an added challenge. Recently, after our failed IVF cycle, our big question has been "When does he stop bidding around my cycle and start bidding for other important things in our lives?". We still don't know the answer. Just know that you are not alone.