Monday, January 5, 2009

Missing the Christmas Tree.........

It really is funny how little things like taking down the Christmas decorations can trigger such a painful memory!!!!!!! And this is my confession of the day.......Holidays for TTC couples SUCK!!!!!

Let me explain.......2006 was such an exciting year!!!!!!
***DH and I were engaged in April
***The very next week we moved into our beautiful new home, finally!!!!! (it had to be gutted and re-built after Hurricane Katrina, we had been working on it since Oct 2005......)
***married on the beach in October, 2006
***off BCP in November, 2006
Which brings us to Christmas 2006. We were so excited and confident during that holiday season that next year, we would be expecting. I vividly remember telling DH when we were taking down the decorations "next year our lives will be so different........."

Christmas 2007.............I could not have cried another tear. So many of my friends were expecting or had just given birth and I was a "Holiday Mess." So that January when we were once again hauling ornaments and decorations upstairs, I put the bad "gris gris" on us......... I said that 2008 was going to be the year for us! We finally knew what we were dealing with and thank goodness for the technology to make it happen. Fast forward to......

Christmas 2008........let's just say we were not in the "holiday spirit".......we honestly had such an awful year, we were wondering if we should just let this season pass us bye bye bye. Forget the tree and Christmas cards.......what's the point???? Who wants to see another picture of us and the dogs????? But I insisted on decorating the most perfect tree I could find. We looked at it night after night...........What a beautiful sight!!!!!!! And I cried, night after night.......

This week as I was packing away the ornaments, lights, decorations and most important "the year 2008", I can not help but wonder what next year has in store for us?????

My quote for the day...."Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.” Henry Ward Beecher.

So I can't help but wonder........Am I on the path to my "best success" in giving CCRM a chance, or am I going to continue along the path of my "greatest disappointments"??????????????????

Friday, January 2, 2009

Looking for.........LIFE THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

What did I possibly do with my time before the "Infertility Saga" began????? As I look back now I wonder.......what filled my thoughts and kept me so busy? What was it that consumed my time and energy? What did I do all day? Lets take a trip down memory lane.......

As you all know it starts with planning your schedule around those precious few days of your cycle when you and your partner MUST be in the same city at the same time, not working and not exhausted! As a flight attendant who flys multi day trips with a husband who also travels, not an easy task!!! But, you make it work. Soooooo 6 months later and off to the GYN to demand what is wrong. Times a ticking and we must figure this out today! You punishment for being so naive.....3 months of Clomid. Ha! Now its the medication that makes you CRAZY, plus the ongoing schedule conflict. FUN!!! When my dear GYN suggested an additional 3 months of Clomid, I asked him if he knew any good divorce attorneys because I was sure to need one if we continued down that path. Scrap the Crazy pills and lets drain your blood supply for every last test imaginable. Congratulations!!!!! all blood work is normal!!!!! The winning prize......a Diagnostic LAPAROSCOPY in 2 months! WhooHoo. After the Lap was preformed and everything looked "AWESOME", on to the waiting list for a consult with the best RE in my area. Oh, I almost forgot to mention my poor husband and his countless appointments with the Urologist and endless "analysis's" that he had to go through. BINGO!!!! Low morphology and motility seems to be the issue. After 3 months of Clomid for him with no improvement, the dreaded words are spoken. Reproductive endocrinologist. OK. We can do this. Off to the Fertility Doctor. (We were not surprised, as we had figured this was the next step)

Few months later and we are siting in my RE's office (after waiting for 2 hours!) going over our history. At that point it is determined that IVF with ICSI will be the plan. With MF and my age (35) this is the ticket to BABY. Fast forward to present and we have 2 failed IVF cycles (one that was cancelled and converted into double IUI) and a RE that is just as confused as we are with the outcome. POOR RESPONDER is what he thinks. Great! More dreaded words......Donor Eggs. Merry Christmas to me.


I have let infertility CONSUME my life. From the first month, I have been obsessed with getting pregnant. Plotting and Planning, Dr's Appointments and Prenatal Vitamins, Ultrasounds and Blood Work, Internet Research and Reading Blogs, Reading Books and RE Research, WORRYING and Wondering(why me?), Evil Pee Sticks and OPK's, Praying and Crying, Watching the Money FLY out of the Bank Account and Financial Planning, Dissapointment and Jealousy, Hopefulness then Heartbreak, Sleepless Nights and Wasted Days.........the list goes on and on. The absolute WORST part was watching my loving husband. The man that would go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, give me anything my heart desires with a smile on his face and a heart full of joy.........Crushed, Helpless, Annoyed, Frustrated.

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train" Unknown

So now I have to wonder, do I jump on the train headed to CCRM or SIRM or do quietly let it pass me by and claim my life back????????

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year, New Start, New Attitude?????

WHEW!!!!! I could not push 2008 out the door fast enough. What a disappointing, heartbreaking year it had been. Dealing with sickness, death, family turmoil, ending a life long friendship and the entire "infertility journey" has drained me. More like sucked the life right out of me!!

The purpose of this blog is to communicate with others about infertility. I honestly believe that "it takes one to know one". Unless you have traveled this road, you can not possibly relate to the ups and downs, humor(yes.......humor!) and hopelessness that this journey can create. Family, friends, and sometimes even my loving husband can not possibly understand what a difficult ride this has been for me. I'm hoping to share my experience with others as well as educate myself along the way. I have learned so much from the on-line network of other "infertiles", it has inspired me to create my own CONFESSIONS. As I continue my quest for Motherhood, I thought you may want to laugh and cry with me along the way........
Todays Confession:
I must admit......I AM REALLY BIG ON FAIR!!!! Yeah yeah yeah, I know "life is not fair". But how much unfairness can one person take in a lifetime???? With each failed procedure, negative test, friend that got pregnant on the first try, or my all time favorite "we weren't even trying....SURPRISE" pregnancy announcement, I wonder how much more I can handle. In a way it has made me try harder. On the other hand it has made me an angry, desperate, miserable, depressed, sad human being. Between my husband and I, EVERYONE is having or just had a baby. Seriously.......not even exaggerating that point! Not to mention that 2 very close friends of mine conceived in the same months of my 2 failed IVF's. And the best part.....I get to listen to them complain, moan and groan, and whine about every part of being pregnant as they progress towards my would have been due dates. SERIOUSLY!!!! Can someone please explain the fairness in that?????!!!!
I will try to end each post with a quote......hopefully they will be inspirational or funny, but that depends on my mood for the day! And we know how that goes, it swings from Jekyll to Hyde on a daily basis.